Chapter 36: Ode to Self – Part 1: Validation vs Confirmation

This post is really for everyone but addressed to women of my generation in particular. I have noticed that there is major struggle for women that seems to be more prevalent than ever due to how connected we are through television, music, literature, magazines and social media. We are fed a lie, create a narrative around it and feed that lie back to ourselves with various toppings, flavorings and spices to disguise it. Chicken is eaten the world over, tastes very different from culture to culture but it is still chicken no matter how you cook it, these lies are the same.

The lie that I have noticed so many women fall prey to is the lie of needing to be validated, particularly by a man (notice I am not specifying if this man is a good man or not, totally different train of thought).

To qualify my statement, let’s explore. According to my faith as a Christian, women are absolutely dope. They are the final part of God’s creation. In fact, God said it was not good that man, Adam, was alone but when He finished forming the woman, God reviewed all of creation and said it was very good. Very good, the presence of a woman caused God to deem creation complete and for Him, for the only time in creation, to use the adverb “very” in His assessment of good. God did indeed bring the woman to Adam and married them but it was the wholeness of His creation, the woman, that God confirmed His own work as very good.

God created a whole woman, a complete person who was designed to: assist, support, and help the man whom God created in the mission that God gave them as equals. Basically the man’s success was dependent on the presence of the woman, if it were not so, then God would not have formed the woman. It is pretty simply stated that it was the plan of God for a man to have a woman’s strength to do what he was called to do and the first thing Adam did was to confirm and acknowledge who she was and where she came from. Understand this, neither Adam nor the woman were validated by each other, it was simply the time for Adam to no longer be alone so God saw to it that he wasn’t.

The most interesting part to me is that after they messed up, meaning Adam listened to his wife instead of God and they both sinned, after it fell through, it was at that point that Adam named his wife, she did not have a name prior to then , she was his wife. He gave her the name Eve, because she was the mother of all living things, he acknowledged her and confirmed who she already was……even after a mistake. Even if you are not a person of faith do not miss the point that the man acknowledged the wholeness, not the perfection, of this woman and she herself saw the same in him.

Now fast-forward to today. Our music has depicted women, especially black woman, as targets, body parts, items, trophies. We sound deep, when talking about relationships, barely even calling women “women”, rather “females”. Females are the counterpart to males in the nature. Simply the bearers of the corresponding reproductive organs that males need to copulate thereby ensuring the continuation of a species. The application of that term to people is accurate yet diminishing and insulting as we are much more than just animals.

Relating to women is at a new low. Technology has taken the place of the person, pursuit is purely electronic. Intercourse is no longer making love but substituted with verbs of violence rather than intimacy such as: smash, hit, beat, kill, slam, bust, f***- all describing a dominance akin to combat sports rather than what should be the highest level of physical intimacy between a man and a woman (regardless of intensity).

Movies, I cannot easily name an actress who has not appeared nude on screen, the lie of “furthering the story with authenticity” requiring a sex scene where only the woman is clearly naked. I don’t need to see movie sex to know that they had sex in the movie. But the fear of employment concerns will cause an actress to make concessions that she would rather not make.

Social media, Lord, the amount of time and money being spent on body parts, hair, make-up, photographer, location, and wardrobe is incredible for likes and acknowledgement some of which do pertain to business but wow it is overwhelmingly sexual. For every successful person you have hundreds behind duplicating, pushing the envelope to break into the next level and all of this is reflected in life.

As a high school counselor, I see my teenage girls (exactly that, girls) coming in with 10 lbs of make-up on, having been up since 5 am to apply said cosmetics yet not having their homework and projects completed. Priority on the superficial, covering up young clear skin with make-up to look like what they see, hoping for acknowledgement of being “grown” yet failing multiple classes.

As adults, I have heard in far too many cases women who have type casted themselves as “saviors” and “fixers”, wondering in desperation why they cannot seem to attract different type of men into their lives. The investment is the same principal as stock trading, money in hoping for a return, time into a man who is down hoping for an acknowledgement on his come up. I am not saying do not support, remember: helpmeet, teammate, and co-collaborator – help me as I help you and we win. What I am saying is that creation is complete. I see many women trying to create in their man and relationships the environment by which they can be validated.

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“He was down and out but I stuck it out with him and (because of me) he found his strength and was able to get back on his feet.”

“He hurt those women, but I am different, when he sees that in me, he’s going to change.”

“No one saw his potential but me, so I am the one to bring it out of him.”

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When we create something, we have to become the source by which that creation is sustained. This blog is the example of that, I have to add to it for it to continue becoming what it is. I am the source for it.

If you try to create in a man something that is not there due to a lack of wholeness, you are trying to fill a bucket with holes in the bottom. That which you use to fill it is going to come from you. The honest truth is that we hold on to the unrealistic hope that the bucket is going to patch itself up while you fill it and overflow back to you in the form of validation.

Yeah, Nah. Not going to happen. You will be drained and they will move on when the water stops flowing.

Validation is from the outside in.

Confirmation, however, is from the inside out.

Usain Bolt breaking Olympic records was a confirmation of the speed which was in him, the race allowed us to see that which was always there. He was not made valid by the race, he was officially confirmed by the results of the race to be what he was already, which is the fastest man in the world. His training wasn’t his coaches saying how great he was, they were laying into him, dissecting every move, attacking his weaknesses boosting his strengths, helping him to recover to do it again the next time. It was pushing him to access more of what was in him and helping it to come out, not creating it for him.

Ladies, you are on the come up, like the tide you cannot be stopped. You are getting more degrees than ever, running for offices, owning businesses, all the while having clear skin and snatched waists even more so after having kids than before and all of that with your edges on point and epic shoe game.

None of that validates you.

There is no bank account, square footage of a house, deed to a home, body measurement, walk-in closet, educational degree or man on this planet than can make you any more of a woman than you already are. The question is:

Do you know this?

Not even having children makes you more or less of a woman compared to the next.

So what is the issue? I believe that the issue lies in the lack of confirmation in your own being of who you are. As stated before who created you, how powerful you are, not in comparison to a man but simply as you stand on your own. Borrowed quote from the internet:

It amazes me to hear the struggles women have in dating because you control so much of the narrative. On average, every woman has many more men trying to talk to them than men having women talk to them. I really don’t have inbox problems, the block game is strong but dusty from lack of usage, it doesn’t happen. My female friends have had me weak laughing at the stories of what goes down in their inbox.

So why do women have such a struggle? I am not here to answer that in its totality but I would suggest it is not a small part due to unconsciously or consciously seeking validation for themselves from others for who they should already know that they are.

I also believe that the facility of relationships are compromised by inaccurate definitions in their foundations.

In relationships, validation is a want, confirmation is a need:

I want that person to do that which makes me happy because it PROVES that they love me, appreciates me and that I am special to them, that I am worth being spoiled and if he doesn’t, I will get it elsewhere. Feed me Seymour.

Vs.

I need that person to hold me up, to remind me of who I am, that it was my strength that attracted him, my intelligence that intrigued him, my faith, my dignity, my values and moral that he still sees in me which I have forgotten that makes me “me”, unique and beautiful, that he believes in me and believes in us.

My last thought is when you know who you are someone else who is not comparable and cannot match, add to, support, compliment and confirm you with their own attributes won’t even get your phone number let alone the opportunity to break your heart because you will be too busy being beautiful and vibrant on your own to waste your time. Confirm who you are then the fickleness of outside validation won’t even matter.

Please hit me with any thoughts, those are mine. Part two coming next week: Self- Worth, Self-respect.

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